Happiness

What is happiness? Well, I'm a poor communicator so a proper definition escapes me at the moment.  I will say, I'm feel happiness now more than ever before. 

I typically have lived my life with unreachably high expectations for myself with a couple ounces of self-loathing on the side.  I'm not completely cured of those tendencies, but I now see what a life without those feelings can be.  Putting immense pressure on myself to be this undefinable word called "better" did nothing but create the stress that I was trying to avoid in the first place.  If I honestly put an effort in my bill paying, relationships, art, etc, what can I possibly do past that?  

Happiness, as I see it, is really only definable on a person to person basis, and I'm pretty sure that's what I feel most of the time now. The thing is, I don't feel like happiness is "the goal", but a product of a certain way of living.  Pressure has it's place, but "unnecessary pressure" is...um...unnecessary and doesn't help anyone. 

I still put pressure on myself, otherwise I wouldn't work or put time into my marriage. Discipline still needs to exist; the problem is the monster inside that demands you be "better" yet never provides a definition for what "better" is.  The monster cannot be satiated, and it forces you to always feel like less than the person you could be, therefore, you'll never be good enough.  "Good pressure" is more specific like the desire to finish a certain project, stick to a certain work schedule, or go jogging 4 days a week.  Those goals are more attainable, and you don't feel like less of a person when you reach them. 

Happiness also comes when you can list out all the things you're thankful for, and the larger the list gets, the less you have to complain about.  How can I complain? I can walk into the kitchen and make dinner with food I have, I have a beautiful someone I can fart around without judgement who will love me no matter what, I have an outlet for creativity that helps me connect with people, I have supportive family members, I have friends to hot tub with, I have a personal hair stylist, I have two mics I can talk into. The list goes on.

I challenge you, you that feels an "unhappiness", to list the things you do have.  Happiness is a product of lowered expectations for yourself, the product of realizing your finite humanity.  You don't have to do things alone, you're around people who feel the same way.  Everyone has those feelings at one time or another. You are a person, and if you're putting true effort into your job, relationships, and whatever else is important, what else can you possibly be expected to do?  

Stress and pressure will always be around, and it can be good.  It's the irrational level of worry, pressure, and stress, one that eats everything you do and still wants more.  One that makes you never feel good enough.  I will always struggle with that, but I've just now only seen a glimpse of what life can be without it.  Guess what? It's wonderful.